SELL THE MODERN TINWARE NOT THE VINTAGE BENTLEY
Serious lifestyle advice according to Alan C Smith.
In recent times, the economic downturn has affected many lives, and not least, the lives of some Vintage Bentley owners that had erroneously thought that their investments were secure and would last them throughout old age.
Downsizing can be difficult for many reasons, and can spell danger for the Vintage Bentley nestling happily in the garage together with the modern supercar that encapsulates the owner`s status.
We`ve all been through financial glitches, that has seen the Bentley teetering on the edge of being for sale, and then happily reprieved after a spell of financial good luck. Unfortunately, this time it isn`t going to be the case and in all probability vintage and modern supercar will both have to go.
Serious lifestyle advice according to Alan C Smith.
In recent times, the economic downturn has affected many lives, and not least, the lives of some Vintage Bentley owners that had erroneously thought that their investments were secure and would last them throughout old age.
Downsizing can be difficult for many reasons, and can spell danger for the Vintage Bentley nestling happily in the garage together with the modern supercar that encapsulates the owner`s status.
We`ve all been through financial glitches, that has seen the Bentley teetering on the edge of being for sale, and then happily reprieved after a spell of financial good luck. Unfortunately, this time it isn`t going to be the case and in all probability vintage and modern supercar will both have to go.
Just think about what would happen if you sold the Bentley now! The poor car would become a pawn in a financial portfolio, as Bank interest rates are so low, prestige vintage cars are on a high and there is no Capital Gains Tax on the resale of a car. The poor Bentley will be torn asunder and sent from cowshed to cowshed to be rebuilt by gnomes as a re creation of some famous Bentley, such as a Blower. Then put in safe storage in an inert atmosphere and hardly ever see the light of day again. Perhaps it will be brought out once a year at the BDC Concourse where it will be lined up with similar cars, all looking as embarrassed as ladies coming to a cocktail party in the same dress. The flaw in this financial strategy is that when interest rates become higher all the Bentleys that come on the market at the same time will devalue the price.
How can we avoid these atrocities happening? Well, let`s look at a typical situation and see how it can be resolved to save the Bent.
The grand house is situated in a suburban cul-de-sac, known locally as “millionaire`s row”, there`s one to be found in every town. Most of the houses have been massively extended some to an oriental style and others with a plastic Parthenon added to the porch area.
The house that we are concerned with has seven bedrooms, eight bathrooms an indoor swimming pool many other rooms and with a garage large enough for ten cars, this house could be said to be the abode of someone who has made it good in the world. Meanwhile in the grand living room is assembled a living tableau comprising our Bentley owner standing confronted by a group of close family members staring awkwardly at each other. The cat and dog are hiding behind a luxurious sofa wondering what all the fuss is about, It`s not the normal Saturday night argument about who is going to drive down to the Fish and chip shop to buy supper.
How can we avoid these atrocities happening? Well, let`s look at a typical situation and see how it can be resolved to save the Bent.
The grand house is situated in a suburban cul-de-sac, known locally as “millionaire`s row”, there`s one to be found in every town. Most of the houses have been massively extended some to an oriental style and others with a plastic Parthenon added to the porch area.
The house that we are concerned with has seven bedrooms, eight bathrooms an indoor swimming pool many other rooms and with a garage large enough for ten cars, this house could be said to be the abode of someone who has made it good in the world. Meanwhile in the grand living room is assembled a living tableau comprising our Bentley owner standing confronted by a group of close family members staring awkwardly at each other. The cat and dog are hiding behind a luxurious sofa wondering what all the fuss is about, It`s not the normal Saturday night argument about who is going to drive down to the Fish and chip shop to buy supper.
“Ben”, as we shall call our unlucky Bentley owner, has just told his close family that due to a financial crisis there`s going to be some drastic downsizing which will include selling the house and buying a smaller one and selling the modern supercar and replacing it with a cheaper more environmentally friendly one. Naturally, everyone is displeased about this, Ben`s wife is sitting down and crying floods of tears, the two children and four grandchildren are staring at Ben as though he has gone mad and the cat and dog are cringing and trembling worried about having another spell in the animal shelter.
Inevitably the argument comes round to the Vintage Bentley. “Why don`t you get rid of that old car”? blurts out Mrs. Ben between sobs. “What good is it doing there in the garage, you never use it anyway”? Ben tries to reason with them that the sale would not create enough funds to get them out of trouble, but without success. Seeing that his arguments are falling on stony ground, he exits stage right, ambles slowly to the garage entering by the side door.
Here are the things that make his life worth living, his small machine shop equipped with medium sized precision British machines, old but still in beautiful condition. The smell of cutting oil bringing back sweet memories of his youth, before he made it big, of his time as an apprentice toolmaker, learning his craft in that big factory which although he never worked in a factory again was the most useful experience that he could have had for the future.
Inevitably the argument comes round to the Vintage Bentley. “Why don`t you get rid of that old car”? blurts out Mrs. Ben between sobs. “What good is it doing there in the garage, you never use it anyway”? Ben tries to reason with them that the sale would not create enough funds to get them out of trouble, but without success. Seeing that his arguments are falling on stony ground, he exits stage right, ambles slowly to the garage entering by the side door.
Here are the things that make his life worth living, his small machine shop equipped with medium sized precision British machines, old but still in beautiful condition. The smell of cutting oil bringing back sweet memories of his youth, before he made it big, of his time as an apprentice toolmaker, learning his craft in that big factory which although he never worked in a factory again was the most useful experience that he could have had for the future.
Ben walked past several lesser vintage cars that he wouldn`t have a problem in letting go and then past the modern supercar, shiny but more trouble than it`s worth, then, as he approached the 4.5 litre Bentley, he imagined that the car`s lamps flashed and the exhaust pipe wagged, a knot formed in his stomach and tears welled up in his eyes, just like the time that he took his faithful old dog on his last journey to the Vet. The car had the grand children`s deflated inflatable swimming pool draped over the radiator and bonnet and cardboard boxes dumped on the seats, gardening implements lay against the running boards and body.
After removing these items Ben sat in the car and began to mull over things, the evocative smell of old leather, oil and petrol channeled his memory back to his younger days when he bought and started rebuilding his Bentley. Since the age of fourteen Ben had one passion and that was to own a vintage Bentley. In the nineteen fifties there were a lot around, parked on the street or on bomb sites. He trawled through the car ads in Motorsport magazine every month, even went to see the famous vintage car dealer C J Bendall who had an establishment in Hemel Hempstead. Arriving unannounced at the premises there was nobody around and after waiting for a while; Ben went into the back of the workshop and discovered a mechanic hosing down the engine of a Citroen light fifteen. The Mechanic turned out to be C J Bendall himself, so they had a conversation about buying a Bent, with C J of course, seeing that this was a non runner as far as a sale was concerned, kindly going through the motions. Ben learned that a blue label would cost 120 pounds and a red label 125 pounds. C J indicated a 3 litre, in the back of the garage that had a home made body on it and a price of sixty pounds, Ben could afford this but declined. It`s just as well, as although the buying price was a steal, any kind of work required would have been beyond his means. Before leaving, C J put Ben`s name on the waiting list and said he would phone when a suitable car came in. This telephone call was never made.
After removing these items Ben sat in the car and began to mull over things, the evocative smell of old leather, oil and petrol channeled his memory back to his younger days when he bought and started rebuilding his Bentley. Since the age of fourteen Ben had one passion and that was to own a vintage Bentley. In the nineteen fifties there were a lot around, parked on the street or on bomb sites. He trawled through the car ads in Motorsport magazine every month, even went to see the famous vintage car dealer C J Bendall who had an establishment in Hemel Hempstead. Arriving unannounced at the premises there was nobody around and after waiting for a while; Ben went into the back of the workshop and discovered a mechanic hosing down the engine of a Citroen light fifteen. The Mechanic turned out to be C J Bendall himself, so they had a conversation about buying a Bent, with C J of course, seeing that this was a non runner as far as a sale was concerned, kindly going through the motions. Ben learned that a blue label would cost 120 pounds and a red label 125 pounds. C J indicated a 3 litre, in the back of the garage that had a home made body on it and a price of sixty pounds, Ben could afford this but declined. It`s just as well, as although the buying price was a steal, any kind of work required would have been beyond his means. Before leaving, C J put Ben`s name on the waiting list and said he would phone when a suitable car came in. This telephone call was never made.
It was several years later before Ben became the owner of a 4.5 litre wreck pulled out of a hedge in a farmyard. Tucked away in a cowshed and covered with chicken droppings was the engine that had been used to turn a circular saw and happily was complete. Ben joined the regional BDC, where he enjoyed the generosity and comradeship of the other members. Of course some of the members were a bit off hand but these were the better off ones, that didn`t have a clue about the mechanics of a Bentley, were only in it for the kudos and never bought a round of drinks in the pub. The helpful members were the more practically orientated, just loved Bentleys and reveled in pulling them to pieces, refurbishing the parts and putting them back together again. Where has all this comradeship gone? Where are all those Bentley heroes now? What has happened to our wonderful Club? All we read about in the Review nowadays are articles about trips abroad, all that`s missing are the “Kiss me Quick” hats. I suppose that Bentleys are victims of their own popularity, leading to elevated prices beyond the reach of true enthusiasts.
Ben met his wonderful girl friend through the club, the daughter of a member and they spent many good times together in the Bentley doing all the things that are just a distant memory for most of us now. Then In due course came the wedding with all those crowd stopping Vintage Bentleys in attendance and the honeymoon spent touring Provence in the Bentley. Then down to the nitty gritty of life, the family, the successful business, the big house and flashy car, and then came the first downturn where competition from the Far East killed off the business but Ben paid off all his workers with redundancy payments and was left with an empty factory and some prime real estate in the centre of town which he sold to developers for a fortune.
Ben met his wonderful girl friend through the club, the daughter of a member and they spent many good times together in the Bentley doing all the things that are just a distant memory for most of us now. Then In due course came the wedding with all those crowd stopping Vintage Bentleys in attendance and the honeymoon spent touring Provence in the Bentley. Then down to the nitty gritty of life, the family, the successful business, the big house and flashy car, and then came the first downturn where competition from the Far East killed off the business but Ben paid off all his workers with redundancy payments and was left with an empty factory and some prime real estate in the centre of town which he sold to developers for a fortune.
Over the years his lacklustre children had been given an education and graduated with unusable degrees. They had no get up and go so received constant funding for everything, his wife made sure of that. Ben started to play that game knocking white balls around a field ending up at the nineteenth hole and not coming home till late and his wife started going to town to the exclusive hairdressers for a hairdo and a manicure and after spending several hundred pounds it was off to the smart restaurant for lunch with the girls. Then Ben made his big mistake and invested in that famous insurance company that almost went under with the result that his investment returned less than a quarter of what he expected. This was the downturn that put him in his present financial position.
Let`s look at what Ben and his family are going to lose by downsizing.
What is a supercar?
Remember that we are considering Vintage Bentley owners only so although there are many so called supercars we shall only discuss the type of car that these owners would buy.
Those of you that bother to read the BDC Review and look at the photos will have noticed that the Vintage Bentley owning folk, on average, seem to be in late middle age or older.
No disrespect, we all become old if we survive. Old age, coupled with a sybaritic lifestyle, produce unwanted ailments such as dickey leg joints, angina, obesity, poor eyesight, slow reactions, to mention a few. To give an example, those suffering from a touch of the farmer Giles will need a car with very soft suspension and seats, definitely not leather ones. Others that wear a syrup will not be interested in purchasing an open topped vehicle but I suppose that there will probably be a heavy duty adhesive that can be used, hopefully that will not be too painful to remove
Obesity and stiff joints will eliminate the type of supercar made by the Italians which are so low that one can trip over them if not paying attention.
Let`s look at what Ben and his family are going to lose by downsizing.
What is a supercar?
Remember that we are considering Vintage Bentley owners only so although there are many so called supercars we shall only discuss the type of car that these owners would buy.
Those of you that bother to read the BDC Review and look at the photos will have noticed that the Vintage Bentley owning folk, on average, seem to be in late middle age or older.
No disrespect, we all become old if we survive. Old age, coupled with a sybaritic lifestyle, produce unwanted ailments such as dickey leg joints, angina, obesity, poor eyesight, slow reactions, to mention a few. To give an example, those suffering from a touch of the farmer Giles will need a car with very soft suspension and seats, definitely not leather ones. Others that wear a syrup will not be interested in purchasing an open topped vehicle but I suppose that there will probably be a heavy duty adhesive that can be used, hopefully that will not be too painful to remove
Obesity and stiff joints will eliminate the type of supercar made by the Italians which are so low that one can trip over them if not paying attention.
The Germans, the Americans and the British make the kind of car that suits the needs of our group because many of their populace are um, hefty so need big cars.
The Asians make large cars for the American and European markets. Unfortunately, the styling reminds one of a normal size car that has been inflated to resemble a giant Tonka toy.
Why do people buy “Prestige” cars?
Snobbery is a curse on society which has been honed to perfection by the British. It pervades every part of our lives, whatever our status, no matter what we do. I speak as an observer not as a shrink. As we all know, looking down on others, makes us feel better about ourselves. After all nobody wants to think about the reality that we are all as common as ants swarming over our planet, and spend our time trying to be different from the next ant.
We have all experienced it and there are many humorous articles, novels, TV shows and cartoons that we laugh at but these change nothing.
Some people just want the best without any thought of superiority but these are a minority. There is also a group of people that are so rich that they have no need to impress and spend most of their lives trying to avoid the seething grey masses.
The sort of people that crave recognition and to be looked up to are probably those from a humble background that have made good such as salespersons, or those that commanded respect during their working life but upon retirement realize that the gold watch was the only reward and that all those promises to keep in touch were never kept.
Respect. What`s this all about? We were all taught at school that respect is earned and not assumed. This was taught by the same unworldly people that taught us “The bigger they are the harder they fall”. So who should we instantly respect?
At the top of the list is probably someone holding a gun at your head, you call them “Sir”. Another is a Mike Tyson look alike, you don`t mess with them and hand over your wallet gratefully. Then there`s your managing director who holds your fate in his hands. For the well balanced among us we treat everyone with the same respect, even those that leave sticky fingerprints on our immaculate Bentley paintwork. Unfortunately for some people this is not sufficient but nobody likes to grovel.
Now a brief word about what is involved in being a cut above the others.
The Asians make large cars for the American and European markets. Unfortunately, the styling reminds one of a normal size car that has been inflated to resemble a giant Tonka toy.
Why do people buy “Prestige” cars?
Snobbery is a curse on society which has been honed to perfection by the British. It pervades every part of our lives, whatever our status, no matter what we do. I speak as an observer not as a shrink. As we all know, looking down on others, makes us feel better about ourselves. After all nobody wants to think about the reality that we are all as common as ants swarming over our planet, and spend our time trying to be different from the next ant.
We have all experienced it and there are many humorous articles, novels, TV shows and cartoons that we laugh at but these change nothing.
Some people just want the best without any thought of superiority but these are a minority. There is also a group of people that are so rich that they have no need to impress and spend most of their lives trying to avoid the seething grey masses.
The sort of people that crave recognition and to be looked up to are probably those from a humble background that have made good such as salespersons, or those that commanded respect during their working life but upon retirement realize that the gold watch was the only reward and that all those promises to keep in touch were never kept.
Respect. What`s this all about? We were all taught at school that respect is earned and not assumed. This was taught by the same unworldly people that taught us “The bigger they are the harder they fall”. So who should we instantly respect?
At the top of the list is probably someone holding a gun at your head, you call them “Sir”. Another is a Mike Tyson look alike, you don`t mess with them and hand over your wallet gratefully. Then there`s your managing director who holds your fate in his hands. For the well balanced among us we treat everyone with the same respect, even those that leave sticky fingerprints on our immaculate Bentley paintwork. Unfortunately for some people this is not sufficient but nobody likes to grovel.
Now a brief word about what is involved in being a cut above the others.
Choosing a Prestige or Supercar.
Of course the Vintage Bentley owner already has a supercar and can easily turn his hand to building a modern supercar. Just buy a Transit, cut and shut the bodywork, tweak the suspension, buy a WW2 Merlin engine, mount it amidships, fit a Harry Ferguson 4WD system and Bobs your uncle, at a cost of twenty grand, there it is and there`s no depreciation.
Psychology Plays a large part in choosing a supercar, never take the wife with you otherwise you will end up running around trying to find one that colour matches the kitchen curtains. This may end up with you having to drive around in a Laura Ashley chintzy coloured car, but the wife will be happy for a while, and if the wife is happy so are you.
Even worse, she may flirt with one of the smooth talking salesmen and you will end up having to pay for all those extras that he sweet talks her into ordering.
A supercar has to be imposing and be the latest model, don`t waste your time buying a lesser model than the top one in the manufacturer`s range. Of course everyone has a different idea of what a supercar is and whatever they choose will be defended to the last. One can insult the wife but never the car. In the pub the car keys will be carelessly tossed onto the bar with the car logo showing for other customers to admire. Unfortunately for you, this will only cause amusement to the more switched on customers and nobody will take you seriously. Another downside is that you will be thought to be a swinger and be asked where the action is.
There are no Asian, American or European cars that can be classed as our category of supercar except British or German products. All cars almost without exception are assembled from international part bins. To give an example, the VW group currently own Auto Union, Seat, Bentley, Lamborghini, Bugatti, Skoda, and Maybach and have fingers in other companies as well.
Don`t forget the connection past and present between Ford, Aston Martin and Jaguar.
Then there`s the Chelsea tractor with the aerodynamics of a brick, favoured by the SAS and Royalty ex BMW which after a spell of roast beef again, now comes with a hint of curry.
Of course the Vintage Bentley owner already has a supercar and can easily turn his hand to building a modern supercar. Just buy a Transit, cut and shut the bodywork, tweak the suspension, buy a WW2 Merlin engine, mount it amidships, fit a Harry Ferguson 4WD system and Bobs your uncle, at a cost of twenty grand, there it is and there`s no depreciation.
Psychology Plays a large part in choosing a supercar, never take the wife with you otherwise you will end up running around trying to find one that colour matches the kitchen curtains. This may end up with you having to drive around in a Laura Ashley chintzy coloured car, but the wife will be happy for a while, and if the wife is happy so are you.
Even worse, she may flirt with one of the smooth talking salesmen and you will end up having to pay for all those extras that he sweet talks her into ordering.
A supercar has to be imposing and be the latest model, don`t waste your time buying a lesser model than the top one in the manufacturer`s range. Of course everyone has a different idea of what a supercar is and whatever they choose will be defended to the last. One can insult the wife but never the car. In the pub the car keys will be carelessly tossed onto the bar with the car logo showing for other customers to admire. Unfortunately for you, this will only cause amusement to the more switched on customers and nobody will take you seriously. Another downside is that you will be thought to be a swinger and be asked where the action is.
There are no Asian, American or European cars that can be classed as our category of supercar except British or German products. All cars almost without exception are assembled from international part bins. To give an example, the VW group currently own Auto Union, Seat, Bentley, Lamborghini, Bugatti, Skoda, and Maybach and have fingers in other companies as well.
Don`t forget the connection past and present between Ford, Aston Martin and Jaguar.
Then there`s the Chelsea tractor with the aerodynamics of a brick, favoured by the SAS and Royalty ex BMW which after a spell of roast beef again, now comes with a hint of curry.
Let`s have a look at the choices available:
The Sauerkraut cars
MAYBACH. See Bentley.
THE PORKER Can we consider this marque as a contender? Not really, the tripping hazard one is too common and also too difficult for our group in question to enter without having remedial surgery and limbo dancing training. The larger models are also too common to be supercars.
THE MERK. Although the top of the range cars have some Kudos, the front end styling says “big bully” and I can`t look at a Merk without chuckling, when I remember the film that I saw of the Swedish type testing of the A class, which fell on it`s side during the slalom test. A feat only repeated by a Japanese mini jeep. Can one trust those Teutonic super brains that spend half their lives at University, to design a supercar, when they let a car go into production without remembering to perform overturning speed calculations and tests? The problem with the Merk as a supercar is, despite trying very hard, the top models in the range with the overpowered engines are brought down by the plethora of lesser models such as taxis that dilute the effect of exclusivity.
THE BEAMER. Competent cars adored by sales persons that originate from their first car the Dixi back in 1928. The VSCC stalwarts will probably notice that this Dixi car looks very similar to the Austin Chummy. In fact they were made under license from “Pa Austin” as was the Rosengart in France, the Bantam in the USA and one Japanese maker. Strangely, there was no accreditation to Austin`s contribution to be seen when I last visited the BMW museum in Munich!
The Beamer factory was also famous for the production of the Isetta, the post war economy side by side two seater with the door at the front, which had the unfortunate problem that the door couldn`t be opened if parked too near to the car in front.
Beamers are just too common to be considered as a supercar
MAGICIANS RINGS. The cars with these stuck on the front, although competent enough, cannot be considered as they are just far too numerous to be exclusive.
The roast beef cars:
THE ROLLER. After nearly a century of excellence, the British Government allowed the sale of this company to a German car maker that wanted the Kudos of making perhaps the world`s most prestigious car. What a tragedy! Just look at what has happened, the styling is just awful and it would be nice to know how much of the car is made in the UK. They are even making a model which is just basically a Beamer with a Roller radiator on the front. Rolls Royce used to sue errant special builders that did this! Buy one if you wish but it`s not a supercar any more, just overpriced.
The Sauerkraut cars
MAYBACH. See Bentley.
THE PORKER Can we consider this marque as a contender? Not really, the tripping hazard one is too common and also too difficult for our group in question to enter without having remedial surgery and limbo dancing training. The larger models are also too common to be supercars.
THE MERK. Although the top of the range cars have some Kudos, the front end styling says “big bully” and I can`t look at a Merk without chuckling, when I remember the film that I saw of the Swedish type testing of the A class, which fell on it`s side during the slalom test. A feat only repeated by a Japanese mini jeep. Can one trust those Teutonic super brains that spend half their lives at University, to design a supercar, when they let a car go into production without remembering to perform overturning speed calculations and tests? The problem with the Merk as a supercar is, despite trying very hard, the top models in the range with the overpowered engines are brought down by the plethora of lesser models such as taxis that dilute the effect of exclusivity.
THE BEAMER. Competent cars adored by sales persons that originate from their first car the Dixi back in 1928. The VSCC stalwarts will probably notice that this Dixi car looks very similar to the Austin Chummy. In fact they were made under license from “Pa Austin” as was the Rosengart in France, the Bantam in the USA and one Japanese maker. Strangely, there was no accreditation to Austin`s contribution to be seen when I last visited the BMW museum in Munich!
The Beamer factory was also famous for the production of the Isetta, the post war economy side by side two seater with the door at the front, which had the unfortunate problem that the door couldn`t be opened if parked too near to the car in front.
Beamers are just too common to be considered as a supercar
MAGICIANS RINGS. The cars with these stuck on the front, although competent enough, cannot be considered as they are just far too numerous to be exclusive.
The roast beef cars:
THE ROLLER. After nearly a century of excellence, the British Government allowed the sale of this company to a German car maker that wanted the Kudos of making perhaps the world`s most prestigious car. What a tragedy! Just look at what has happened, the styling is just awful and it would be nice to know how much of the car is made in the UK. They are even making a model which is just basically a Beamer with a Roller radiator on the front. Rolls Royce used to sue errant special builders that did this! Buy one if you wish but it`s not a supercar any more, just overpriced.
THE ASTON. Nice styling although it`s not thoroughbred any more. WO`s engine has been junked and muscle bound Ford engines are struggling to keep up with the sauerkraut horsepower race. A quality car and as they are seldom seen on the road, they can be said to be exclusive. This is a supercar.
THE MOGGIE. Totally British VSCC style super cars that you can wear the traditional ratting cap in, although our group would probably need a shoehorn to enter the cockpit.
THE JAG. The big cat has flourished recently due to the tie up with Ford and Aston Martin and now comes with a hint of vindaloo. Perhaps not supercars but I have a soft spot for them, they are fairly exclusive, why not buy one for the wife?
THE CHELSEA TRACTOR. A competent car, big and threatening, which despite It`s agricultural beginnings has become a cult car. It now comes with a whiff of curry, can be easily bullet proofed so is perfect for celebs and the rich in poor countries. There are a lot of them around so that there is no exclusivity. Sorry your Majesty, it`s no supercar.
BENTLEY.I have left this one till last, as with the Roller, the Government allowed this precious asset to be bought for a song by a German mass manufacturer who wanted to make the best car in the world and the only way that they could do this was to buy the company. So what has happened in the meantime? We know that the bodies are manufactured in Germany and shipped to Derby where the cars are assembled. Again it would be nice to know what percentage of the car is made in the UK. The body shells are shared between the UK and Germany where the car is called the Maybach.
To be fair to the VW group, trying to create the right Bentley image is probably a no win situation as whatever they do will be criticized by the old brigade. If I may give some advice a good sales ploy would be to give a 50% discount to all BDC members, this would swell the membership as well, so it can`t be bad. In mitigation I have to say that the parent company has cleverly forged links with and sponsors the BDC, the cars are quite nicely styled and loosely follow the tradition of the original Rolls Bentley Company. What a pity they were unable to buy the Rolls name as well! I have to admit that the new cars with the dollop of sauerkraut are almost worthy to carry on the Bentley name.
EXCLUSIONS. Many worthy supercars such as the McLaren, built in the UK, reluctantly have to be excluded due to the reasons of access and tripping hazards. The other problem is that if one parks a tripping hazard in a supermarket car park there is always a problem in finding it again. I should mention here that the UK is a centre of excellence for the design and manufacture of Formula 1 and supercars, don’t imagine that the name on the side of the car is always the same as the designer or manufacturer. To give one example the Renault design centre is based in the UK! Use the internet to access Ricardo.com, click onto “our markets” and then “capabilities and case studies”. Here you can read about the ongoing projects for Bugatti, Porche, GM and others, it will make you feel good about being British.
THE MOGGIE. Totally British VSCC style super cars that you can wear the traditional ratting cap in, although our group would probably need a shoehorn to enter the cockpit.
THE JAG. The big cat has flourished recently due to the tie up with Ford and Aston Martin and now comes with a hint of vindaloo. Perhaps not supercars but I have a soft spot for them, they are fairly exclusive, why not buy one for the wife?
THE CHELSEA TRACTOR. A competent car, big and threatening, which despite It`s agricultural beginnings has become a cult car. It now comes with a whiff of curry, can be easily bullet proofed so is perfect for celebs and the rich in poor countries. There are a lot of them around so that there is no exclusivity. Sorry your Majesty, it`s no supercar.
BENTLEY.I have left this one till last, as with the Roller, the Government allowed this precious asset to be bought for a song by a German mass manufacturer who wanted to make the best car in the world and the only way that they could do this was to buy the company. So what has happened in the meantime? We know that the bodies are manufactured in Germany and shipped to Derby where the cars are assembled. Again it would be nice to know what percentage of the car is made in the UK. The body shells are shared between the UK and Germany where the car is called the Maybach.
To be fair to the VW group, trying to create the right Bentley image is probably a no win situation as whatever they do will be criticized by the old brigade. If I may give some advice a good sales ploy would be to give a 50% discount to all BDC members, this would swell the membership as well, so it can`t be bad. In mitigation I have to say that the parent company has cleverly forged links with and sponsors the BDC, the cars are quite nicely styled and loosely follow the tradition of the original Rolls Bentley Company. What a pity they were unable to buy the Rolls name as well! I have to admit that the new cars with the dollop of sauerkraut are almost worthy to carry on the Bentley name.
EXCLUSIONS. Many worthy supercars such as the McLaren, built in the UK, reluctantly have to be excluded due to the reasons of access and tripping hazards. The other problem is that if one parks a tripping hazard in a supermarket car park there is always a problem in finding it again. I should mention here that the UK is a centre of excellence for the design and manufacture of Formula 1 and supercars, don’t imagine that the name on the side of the car is always the same as the designer or manufacturer. To give one example the Renault design centre is based in the UK! Use the internet to access Ricardo.com, click onto “our markets” and then “capabilities and case studies”. Here you can read about the ongoing projects for Bugatti, Porche, GM and others, it will make you feel good about being British.
What are the benefits of owning a supercar?
A feeling of superiority, sitting in your car Joe Public has no idea that you need extensions to the pedals to be able to operate them. You can hog the fast lane on the motorway and force those lesser cars to scuttle out of your way like cockroaches as you zoom up behind them. Unfortunately there is always someone that doesn`t know their place in the pecking order and stays in the fast lane. So it`s on to phase two, this is to attempt to dock with the back of the offending vehicle and after a few minutes it will get out of your way. Always set your cruise control to 69 MPH and stay in the fast lane, if another super car comes up behind wanting to overtake let them overtake on the inside with all those lesser cars. They`re not going to force you to exceed the speed limit!
You receive invitations to a new model presentation by the main dealer or manufacturer of your supercar an event not to be missed. The Supremo will greet you like a long lost brother; he knows your name and that of your wife and probably the names of your grandchildren and the dog. He massages your ego so expertly that you would do anything for him. Just look at his ears, there will be a microphone sitting in one of them so that his PA can send him information about you from the database. Make no mistake, they have done a credit check on you and your company and know more about your finances than you know yourself. After a presentation extolling the virtues of the latest models and the new options available, such as an automatic backscratcher or a sensor that immobilizes the ignition if you are in a grumpy mood. You will then be free to mingle with the other guests and the uneasy confrontations with owners of the same car as yours. Is it worth it just for a couple of glasses of dodgy champagne?
What is the downside of owning a supercar?
The price.
The enormous depreciation.
The cost of filling up the fuel tank and having to queue up at a supermarket filling station for cheap petrol.
When parking at a supermarket you have to park the furthest away from the entrance so that there is less chance of the car being scratched. The other way is to park on the line between two parking spaces and leave somebody in the car to keep an eye on it. Have you noticed how parking places are getting smaller all the time? The only way to get your super car is to lease it as the manufacturers cunningly change or facelift their cars every two years so that there is no point in buying one if you want to always have the latest model. The problem is that at the end of the leasing agreement the lessor will go over the car with a fine toothcomb and any little scratches on the bodywork or scuffing on the rear seats by those terrible grandchildren and the dog will cost you an arm and a leg.
Other motorists won`t let you into the stream of traffic
You have to take the car to the car wash rather frequently as those neighbours are always watching and judging.
White Van Man: These pests have become intolerable since some of the aspiring super car manufacturers produced vans with high powered engines. In an earlier century the drivers of these super vans would have large golden earrings and a cutlass clamped between their teeth. These goal orientated persons only see other drivers as being in their way and punish you, as only they can, until you pull over and let them through. I would not expect our super car drivers to give in so easily so always keep a pad handy to write down the van details so that you can call the “well driven” phone number to report that the van overtook on the inside. Probably not, as life is too short to devote the time to do this.
A feeling of superiority, sitting in your car Joe Public has no idea that you need extensions to the pedals to be able to operate them. You can hog the fast lane on the motorway and force those lesser cars to scuttle out of your way like cockroaches as you zoom up behind them. Unfortunately there is always someone that doesn`t know their place in the pecking order and stays in the fast lane. So it`s on to phase two, this is to attempt to dock with the back of the offending vehicle and after a few minutes it will get out of your way. Always set your cruise control to 69 MPH and stay in the fast lane, if another super car comes up behind wanting to overtake let them overtake on the inside with all those lesser cars. They`re not going to force you to exceed the speed limit!
You receive invitations to a new model presentation by the main dealer or manufacturer of your supercar an event not to be missed. The Supremo will greet you like a long lost brother; he knows your name and that of your wife and probably the names of your grandchildren and the dog. He massages your ego so expertly that you would do anything for him. Just look at his ears, there will be a microphone sitting in one of them so that his PA can send him information about you from the database. Make no mistake, they have done a credit check on you and your company and know more about your finances than you know yourself. After a presentation extolling the virtues of the latest models and the new options available, such as an automatic backscratcher or a sensor that immobilizes the ignition if you are in a grumpy mood. You will then be free to mingle with the other guests and the uneasy confrontations with owners of the same car as yours. Is it worth it just for a couple of glasses of dodgy champagne?
What is the downside of owning a supercar?
The price.
The enormous depreciation.
The cost of filling up the fuel tank and having to queue up at a supermarket filling station for cheap petrol.
When parking at a supermarket you have to park the furthest away from the entrance so that there is less chance of the car being scratched. The other way is to park on the line between two parking spaces and leave somebody in the car to keep an eye on it. Have you noticed how parking places are getting smaller all the time? The only way to get your super car is to lease it as the manufacturers cunningly change or facelift their cars every two years so that there is no point in buying one if you want to always have the latest model. The problem is that at the end of the leasing agreement the lessor will go over the car with a fine toothcomb and any little scratches on the bodywork or scuffing on the rear seats by those terrible grandchildren and the dog will cost you an arm and a leg.
Other motorists won`t let you into the stream of traffic
You have to take the car to the car wash rather frequently as those neighbours are always watching and judging.
White Van Man: These pests have become intolerable since some of the aspiring super car manufacturers produced vans with high powered engines. In an earlier century the drivers of these super vans would have large golden earrings and a cutlass clamped between their teeth. These goal orientated persons only see other drivers as being in their way and punish you, as only they can, until you pull over and let them through. I would not expect our super car drivers to give in so easily so always keep a pad handy to write down the van details so that you can call the “well driven” phone number to report that the van overtook on the inside. Probably not, as life is too short to devote the time to do this.
The dodgems: these are small cars that are quite nippy which buzz around you trying to overtake or race you from the lights they are generally driven by ladies of a certain age into burning their bras when they most need them, or younger women with a dark shadow over their top lip that want to prove that they are the female answer to Stirling Moss. Or it could be a spotty youth wearing a baseball cap back to front, a younger version of Jensen Button. Whoever they are they should show more respect to their betters!
What options should you buy with your supercar:
Engine: Those that invest in a 900 hp engine or even a 300 hp engine are guilty of gross political incorrectness and deserve the disgust that people feel about them, although Undertakers and Main Dealers love them. The problem with these type of cars is that they weigh around three tons so need a lot of power to make them perform as well as a much lighter car with much less horsepower. It`s all about power to weight ratio. Some people believe that a larger heavier car will protect them in an accident. This is correct to some extent at the expense of the smaller family car which acts as an extra crumple zone that you smash into and demolish. There are high energy crashes that no one can survive as the body cannot resist extreme decelerations that turn your brain and vital organs to jelly. If you imagine that you are going to mess around on the road doing wheelies from the lights then you should expect to burn out your clutch every six rubber burning starts and your tyres will last for about 1000 miles. Some manufacturers fit a drag start control to avoid this, something else to go wrong!
Traction control: This is not an option on most supercars as it is fitted as standard. No manufacturer wishes to have their cars dubbed “the widow maker”. As Porkers and Beamers have in the past; they know that with this huge horsepower on tap, unless their customer is a Grand Prix driver, putting the pedal to the metal without some help from the traction control, will result in a spin off. Traction control is a computer operated system that controls the power that is transmitted to each wheel to prevent wheel spin and loss of traction during starting and cornering. This will not be required by the timid but the “macho men” need to understand what traction control does is to limit your choice, as the computer is the one that decides how much power can be put down to the tyres in every situation; so that in reality you are never in total control.
A good way to explain it is to think back to when you were having your first two driving lessons in a dual control car, it was so easy, all you had to do was to use the steering wheel to change direction and your instructor did all the rest. That’s what traction control does; so when flooring the accelerator as the car is in a corner on the limit there will be no response, half your horsepower will remain asleep. Even if you turn off traction control at the console it`s never off completely for the reasons that I’ve already given. Remember, like your PC, these things can crash and if you charge into a corner at a speed higher than the traction control can manage it may be “Goodnight Vienna”. Driving skill is more important than these gadgets.
Anti locking brakes: Standard equipment on a supercar. Maximum deceleration depends on the state of your tyres, so only buy the best. Just remember that you still have to exercise your judgment about stopping distances. You can reflect on this as you decelerate too slowly towards that micro car that has a “Baby on Board” sticker in the back window.
What options should you buy with your supercar:
Engine: Those that invest in a 900 hp engine or even a 300 hp engine are guilty of gross political incorrectness and deserve the disgust that people feel about them, although Undertakers and Main Dealers love them. The problem with these type of cars is that they weigh around three tons so need a lot of power to make them perform as well as a much lighter car with much less horsepower. It`s all about power to weight ratio. Some people believe that a larger heavier car will protect them in an accident. This is correct to some extent at the expense of the smaller family car which acts as an extra crumple zone that you smash into and demolish. There are high energy crashes that no one can survive as the body cannot resist extreme decelerations that turn your brain and vital organs to jelly. If you imagine that you are going to mess around on the road doing wheelies from the lights then you should expect to burn out your clutch every six rubber burning starts and your tyres will last for about 1000 miles. Some manufacturers fit a drag start control to avoid this, something else to go wrong!
Traction control: This is not an option on most supercars as it is fitted as standard. No manufacturer wishes to have their cars dubbed “the widow maker”. As Porkers and Beamers have in the past; they know that with this huge horsepower on tap, unless their customer is a Grand Prix driver, putting the pedal to the metal without some help from the traction control, will result in a spin off. Traction control is a computer operated system that controls the power that is transmitted to each wheel to prevent wheel spin and loss of traction during starting and cornering. This will not be required by the timid but the “macho men” need to understand what traction control does is to limit your choice, as the computer is the one that decides how much power can be put down to the tyres in every situation; so that in reality you are never in total control.
A good way to explain it is to think back to when you were having your first two driving lessons in a dual control car, it was so easy, all you had to do was to use the steering wheel to change direction and your instructor did all the rest. That’s what traction control does; so when flooring the accelerator as the car is in a corner on the limit there will be no response, half your horsepower will remain asleep. Even if you turn off traction control at the console it`s never off completely for the reasons that I’ve already given. Remember, like your PC, these things can crash and if you charge into a corner at a speed higher than the traction control can manage it may be “Goodnight Vienna”. Driving skill is more important than these gadgets.
Anti locking brakes: Standard equipment on a supercar. Maximum deceleration depends on the state of your tyres, so only buy the best. Just remember that you still have to exercise your judgment about stopping distances. You can reflect on this as you decelerate too slowly towards that micro car that has a “Baby on Board” sticker in the back window.
Tinted Glass: A must for the showbiz folk and celebrities and a pain in the derriere for following drivers that cannot see ahead through the windows, it does tend to restrict vision especially in the dark, not so good for the myopic, so why have you chosen to fit it? This is a helpful test to see whether you need it or not.
What you have to do is to dress up in your best clothes, give the super car a polish and drive down to your local hypermarket and park the car. You will certainly get some attention and draw some admiring and other types of glances. Get out of the car and walk to the entrance, do people look at you as if they`re wondering if you`ve just walked off the film set of Poirot? Do they crowd round you asking for autographs? If the answer is no then you definitely don`t need tinted glass.
Upon re reading the above paragraphs I can`t really get my head around this tinted glass phenomenon; if all the glass is tinted then the public cannot see you in the driver`s seat. But if the driver`s windows are not tinted then the public will think that you are a chauffer. What is the mind set on this? Can some switched on reader please explain this to us?
On reflection I suppose it`s acceptable if you use the car as a passion wagon or if the wife is always late and has to do her hair and make up in the car.
Cherished numbers: Used by losers, that can`t afford to change their cars, to disguise the age of their bangers. They imagine that some weird registration number will somehow give them instant status. To give an example “FLASH 1” definitely a salesman`s style of number. Apart from gaining some amusement you can play a game on those long car journeys by guessing what name the initials stand for. To give an example, registration “XYZ 1” could belong to Xavier Yolande Zipper 1 if you get my drift. Unfortunately the neighbours and the rest of the world can identify exactly what date your car was built, such is snobbery, so why bother? A downside to the cherished numbers game is that your car is instantly identifiable within your stamping ground, so parking your car outside that dodgy massage parlour whilst visiting the convenience shop to buy a pint of milk could result in some awkward questions by the distaff side.
Assisted reversing: Any loser who would consider buying this option should surrender their driving licence pronto.
Direction indicators: These are fitted as standard on all cars as they are required by law. If they were an option, nobody would ever have them fitted.
The Neighbours: These are the people living around you that your wife is so anxious to impress. They could be non Harley Street Asian plastic surgeons or Police commissioners, successful criminals, Fish and chip shop owners, company owning computer nerds, benefit fraudsters, Asian fast food and restaurant owners, EBay supersellers, etc.
The wives are the intelligence gatherers, gossiping away at their lunchtime tea and wine parties, they all put a spin on their husband`s wealth and status. The insalubrious ones never attend these parties so that their source of income can only remain a subject for speculation.
The solution to the downsizing problem:
From the foregoing we can see that what a waste of time and money it is in keeping up appearances. There are several ways to exit this lifestyle with dignity but a cunning strategy will be required.
The first decision necessary is to decide whether you want your wife to go along with the plan. If you met your wife before you became successful and wish to continue your life with her, then the strategy will be to take her out to the restaurant that you used to frequent before you were married. It may have since been closed down by the Public Health department or gone through a metamorphosis into the latest fad eatery, so choose another romantic candlelit restaurant to eat in. Perhaps this time you can forego the vindaloo dishes, you know what an unpleasant effect it has on you, and choose something neutral to eat. Then over dinner with a bottle of champers you explain your exit strategy and how you can still put those grandchildren through UNI and that she can choose that romantic thatched and beamed cottage that she`s always dreamt about. Or build your own new love nest in that idyllic village where she can join the Women`s Institute, grow giant vegetables, make jam and bake cakes till the cows come home.
On the other hand if you met your wife after accruing your filthy lucre there`s always that nagging thought in the back of your mind that she married you for your money. Could it be the way that she is always praising the husbands of her posh friends and pointing out your deficiencies at the same time? She spends a lot of time with her friends and stays over quite frequently. Then there`s that good looking young millionaire that she`s always going on about. The signs are all there. Frankly she`s an embarrassment and treats your old Bentley mates with disdain. It`s time for her to go!
The strategy to use here is to arrange to have her posh friends over for dinner and during the meal pretend to get drunk and start accusing her of wasting your money when it is so short that the bailiffs will be coming in to remove the furniture and repossess the supercar and that the house will have to be sold to pay off the monstrous credit card debts that she has been concealing from you. Then after confessing to a drug habit, run out of the house sobbing. That should do the trick.
However it must be said, that you run the risk of your wife confessing that she`s sorry to have treated you so badly, loves you really and wants` to help you get back on your feet again. Well you can`t win them all!
My recommended core strategy is to affix stickers of all the Eco charities in the car back window and in the house front window. Brief the wife to explain to her neighbours at the next lunchtime party that you have become disgusted by the attitude of the rich to third world countries with a starving population, have decided to change the car to an eco friendly one and sell the house, downsize and give the money left over to deserving charities. Naturally they will be worried about how you can manage with only four bedrooms between the two of you. You explain that you can`t tolerate this sick and superficial lifestyle any more and need to get some inner peace and are considering joining a monastery.
There you are, a moral victory, all your problems are solved and the Bentley is saved from an appalling metamorphosis. An unfortunate downside may be that you inspire your neighbours to do the same and end up competing with them for the smaller properties.
That`s it! Any donations by grateful readers should not be sent to me personally; but to the BDC WO Memorial Fund.
What you have to do is to dress up in your best clothes, give the super car a polish and drive down to your local hypermarket and park the car. You will certainly get some attention and draw some admiring and other types of glances. Get out of the car and walk to the entrance, do people look at you as if they`re wondering if you`ve just walked off the film set of Poirot? Do they crowd round you asking for autographs? If the answer is no then you definitely don`t need tinted glass.
Upon re reading the above paragraphs I can`t really get my head around this tinted glass phenomenon; if all the glass is tinted then the public cannot see you in the driver`s seat. But if the driver`s windows are not tinted then the public will think that you are a chauffer. What is the mind set on this? Can some switched on reader please explain this to us?
On reflection I suppose it`s acceptable if you use the car as a passion wagon or if the wife is always late and has to do her hair and make up in the car.
Cherished numbers: Used by losers, that can`t afford to change their cars, to disguise the age of their bangers. They imagine that some weird registration number will somehow give them instant status. To give an example “FLASH 1” definitely a salesman`s style of number. Apart from gaining some amusement you can play a game on those long car journeys by guessing what name the initials stand for. To give an example, registration “XYZ 1” could belong to Xavier Yolande Zipper 1 if you get my drift. Unfortunately the neighbours and the rest of the world can identify exactly what date your car was built, such is snobbery, so why bother? A downside to the cherished numbers game is that your car is instantly identifiable within your stamping ground, so parking your car outside that dodgy massage parlour whilst visiting the convenience shop to buy a pint of milk could result in some awkward questions by the distaff side.
Assisted reversing: Any loser who would consider buying this option should surrender their driving licence pronto.
Direction indicators: These are fitted as standard on all cars as they are required by law. If they were an option, nobody would ever have them fitted.
The Neighbours: These are the people living around you that your wife is so anxious to impress. They could be non Harley Street Asian plastic surgeons or Police commissioners, successful criminals, Fish and chip shop owners, company owning computer nerds, benefit fraudsters, Asian fast food and restaurant owners, EBay supersellers, etc.
The wives are the intelligence gatherers, gossiping away at their lunchtime tea and wine parties, they all put a spin on their husband`s wealth and status. The insalubrious ones never attend these parties so that their source of income can only remain a subject for speculation.
The solution to the downsizing problem:
From the foregoing we can see that what a waste of time and money it is in keeping up appearances. There are several ways to exit this lifestyle with dignity but a cunning strategy will be required.
The first decision necessary is to decide whether you want your wife to go along with the plan. If you met your wife before you became successful and wish to continue your life with her, then the strategy will be to take her out to the restaurant that you used to frequent before you were married. It may have since been closed down by the Public Health department or gone through a metamorphosis into the latest fad eatery, so choose another romantic candlelit restaurant to eat in. Perhaps this time you can forego the vindaloo dishes, you know what an unpleasant effect it has on you, and choose something neutral to eat. Then over dinner with a bottle of champers you explain your exit strategy and how you can still put those grandchildren through UNI and that she can choose that romantic thatched and beamed cottage that she`s always dreamt about. Or build your own new love nest in that idyllic village where she can join the Women`s Institute, grow giant vegetables, make jam and bake cakes till the cows come home.
On the other hand if you met your wife after accruing your filthy lucre there`s always that nagging thought in the back of your mind that she married you for your money. Could it be the way that she is always praising the husbands of her posh friends and pointing out your deficiencies at the same time? She spends a lot of time with her friends and stays over quite frequently. Then there`s that good looking young millionaire that she`s always going on about. The signs are all there. Frankly she`s an embarrassment and treats your old Bentley mates with disdain. It`s time for her to go!
The strategy to use here is to arrange to have her posh friends over for dinner and during the meal pretend to get drunk and start accusing her of wasting your money when it is so short that the bailiffs will be coming in to remove the furniture and repossess the supercar and that the house will have to be sold to pay off the monstrous credit card debts that she has been concealing from you. Then after confessing to a drug habit, run out of the house sobbing. That should do the trick.
However it must be said, that you run the risk of your wife confessing that she`s sorry to have treated you so badly, loves you really and wants` to help you get back on your feet again. Well you can`t win them all!
My recommended core strategy is to affix stickers of all the Eco charities in the car back window and in the house front window. Brief the wife to explain to her neighbours at the next lunchtime party that you have become disgusted by the attitude of the rich to third world countries with a starving population, have decided to change the car to an eco friendly one and sell the house, downsize and give the money left over to deserving charities. Naturally they will be worried about how you can manage with only four bedrooms between the two of you. You explain that you can`t tolerate this sick and superficial lifestyle any more and need to get some inner peace and are considering joining a monastery.
There you are, a moral victory, all your problems are solved and the Bentley is saved from an appalling metamorphosis. An unfortunate downside may be that you inspire your neighbours to do the same and end up competing with them for the smaller properties.
That`s it! Any donations by grateful readers should not be sent to me personally; but to the BDC WO Memorial Fund.