CHRISTMAS IN BENTLEYLAND.
A CHRISTMAS FABLE AS RE TOLD BY ALAN C SMITH
IT`S CHRISTMAS EVE IN BENTLEYLAND, THE SUN IS LOW IN THE SKY CREATING LONG SHARP SHADOWS FROM A BUILDING RESEMBLING A CROSS BETWEEN A COW SHED AND A PIGSTY. ABOVE THE BUILDING THERE IS A BATTERED PAINTED SIGN WHICH READS "THE VINTAGE CAR EMPORIUM". THROUGH A WINDOW CUT THROUGH THE CORRUGATED SHEETING WE CAN SEE A RATHER PATHETIC FIGURE SEATED AT AN OAK DESK HEAD IN ARMS, SOBBING GENTLY. THIS IS EBENEEZER SCROOGE THE MD. ON THE DESK THERE IS A PILE OF BILLS, INCLUDING A FEW SOLICITOR`S LETTERS DEMANDING PAYMENT FOR THINGS SUCH AS ALIMONY FOR WIFE NUMBER THREE, SCHOOL FEES FOR THAT MINOR PUBLIC SCHOOL THAT SCROOGE JUNIOR ATTENDS AND A HUGE TAX BILL FOR LAST YEAR FOLLOWING AN INVESTIGATION BY THE INLAND REVENUE CAUSED BY THAT DODGY ACCOUNTANT GOING OVER THE TOP WITH THE ACCOUNTS. THE LETTERS FROM THE DVLC AND OTHER LETTERS FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS COMPLAINING ABOUT SHODDY WORKMANSHIP HAD ALREADY BEEN CRUMPLED UP AND FILED IN THE WASTEPAPER BASKET.
THINGS WEREN`T GOING VERY WELL SCROOGE MUSED, AS HE OPENED THE FILING CABINET AND TRIED TO FIND A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH AMONGST THE EMPTIES, THIS TIME IT WAS GOING TO BE THE END, HE SNUFFLED, LOOKING AROUND THE OFFICE AT THE OAK FRAMED BENTLEY LITHOGRAPHS AND THE COMPUTER ALTERED SIGNED PHOTOGRAPHS DEPICTING SCROOGE IN COMPANY WITH A VARIETY OF CELEBRITIES. HOWEVER THE PHOTO WITH HIM AND THE POPE TOGETHER IN A SPEED SIX WAS PROBABLY JUST A BIT OVER THE TOP.
JUST AT THAT MOMENT, THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND IT SWUNG OPEN REVEALING MR.& MRS. GORRAFEWBOB SILHOUETTED BY THE RAYS OF THE SETTING SUN. IN A TWINKLING SCROOGE SLIPPED IN HIS SHINY FALSE TEETH, SWEPT THE BILLS AND THE CUPS THAT SHOULD CARRY A PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING INTO THE TOP DRAWER OF THE DESK, AND WITH A MIRACULOUS CHAMELION LIKE METAMORPHOSIS THAT WOULD SHAME SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER, SCROOGE CHANGED FROM A PATHETIC LOSER INTO A WONDERFUL FATHER FIGURE RADIATING WELL BEING AND HONESTY THAT WOULD MAKE SANTA CLAUS LOOK LIKE A PETTY CRIMINAL.
"WHAT CAN i DO FOR YOU" SCROOGE ASKED IN A PLUMMY VOICE REMINISCENT OF SIR JOHN GEILGOOD, AS THE GORRAFEWBOBS SANK INTO THE PLUSH LEATHER CLUB ARMCHAIRS. Mrs. G SAID IN A TEARFUL VOICE "WE MANAGED TO GET CUSTODY OF THIS POOR LITTLE ORPHAN AT THE SOTHEBY`S AUCTION, I CAN`T BELIEVE HOW BADLY HE`S BEEN TREATED, PUT IN A COLD BARN FOR OVER FORTY YEARS WITHOUT AS MUCH AS A POLISH OR A DROP OF OIL". SCROOGE GAZED AT THE LITTLE BENTLEY NESTLING IN MRS. G`S ARMS, HE CERTAINLY LOOKED A MESS WITH HIS LEATHERCLOTH SUIT TORN AND BEDRAGLED, HIS TYRES FLAT AND CRACKED, HIS WINDSCREEN GLASS DISCOLOURED AND CRAZED AND A LITTLE TEAR OOZING FROM THE CRACK IN THE ONLY REMAINING ZEISS HEADLAMP GLASS.
SCROOGE REACHED OVER AND GAVE THE BENTLEY A TICKLE UNDER THE RADIATOR, UPON WHICH, THE POOR LITTLE ORPHAN GAVE A SQUEAK AND BURROWED DEEPER INTO MRS. G`S AMPLE BOSOM. MR. G THEN EXPLAINED "WE HAD A BIG FIGHT TO GET CUSTODY OF THIS LITTLE CHAP, A LOT OF PEOPLE WANTED TO GET HOLD OF HIM AND CHANGE HIM INTO A GENUINE TEAM CAR OR BLOWER, EVEN TO SELL HIS ORGANS ABROAD. WE ONLY WANT THE BEST FOR HIM, TO RESTORE HIM BACK TO HIS FORMER SELF AND TO PUT HIM BACK ON THE RIGHT ROAD. WE WERE TOLD THAT YOU WERE THE RIGHT PERSON TO GET HIM BACK INTO SHAPE". SCROOGE SEIZING ON THIS BUYING SIGNAL SAID, "WE CAN OFFER A VERY EFFICIENT AND COST EFFECTIVE IN HOUSE SERVICE TO THE DISCERNING CUSTOMER, IF YOU COME OVER TO THIS WINDOW YOU WILL SEE OUR DEDICATED TEAM OF MECHANICS AT WORK ON ONE OF OUR CUSTOMER`S CARS".
THE WINDOW LOOKED OUT INTO THE MURKY INTERIOR OF THE WORKSHOP WHERE ABOUT A DOZEN LIFE SIZE INFLATABLE BENTLEYS WERE COVERED WITH DUST SHEETS. IN THE FOREGROUND THREE FIGURES WERE GROUPED AROUND A FIBREGLASS VINTAGE BENTLEY. SCROOGE HAD BOUGHT THESE FROM A WAX MUSEUM BANKRUPT SALE. THE FIRST FIGURE WAS MARGARET THATCHER NOW DRESSED IN BLUE OVERALLS, WITH HER HAIR TIED BACK IN A TYPICAL BENTLEY MECHANIC`S PONY TAIL AND A LARGE ,SOMEWHAT ASKEW, HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE GLUED TO HER UPPER LIP, HER ARM OUTSTRETCHED WITH THE INDEX FINGER POINTING AT THE PAPIER MACHE SLOPERS.
THE SECOND MECHANIC WAS THE SHAH OF PERSIA, AGAIN IN A BLUE BOILER SUIT, (SCROOGE SOMETIMES WENT DOWN TO THE PUB WEARING THE SHAH`S GRAND UNIFORM WITH ALL THOSE MEDALS AND DECORATIONS HANGING FROM THE TUNIC). THE WAX SHAH HAD BEEN HACKED ABOUT BY SOMEONE WITH A POOR KNOWLEDGE OF ANATOMY TO ENABLE HIM TO BEND OVER THE ENGINE. THE THIRD FIGURE WAS MORE SINISTER, THE EXECUTIONER FROM THE ANNE BOLYN EXECUTION TABLEAU. (WELL HE WAS CHEAP). SCROOGE HAD REPLACED THE BEHEADING SWORD WITH A LARGE HAMMER AND THE EXECUTIONER NOW STOOD WITH THE HAMMER POISED OVER THE RADIATOR. WHY GO TO TOO MUCH TROUBLE? SCROOGE HAD ARGUED, THOSE POSH PUNTERS WOULD NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE ANYWAY.
SCROOGE DIDN`T LIKE TO GO INTO THE WORKSHOP BY HIMSELF, HE COULD HAVE SWORN THAT THE EXECUTIONER WINKED AT HIM ONCE. NOW THE GORRAFEWBOBS WERE AT THE WINDOW, SCROOGE PRESSED A SECRET BUTTON AND WORKSHOP NOISES RANG OUT, ELECTRIC MOTORS HUMMED AND THE FIGURES MOVED JERKILY OVER THE BENTLEY, JUST LIKE SELFRIDGES CHRISTMAS GNOMES. THE GORRAFEWBOBS LOOKED IMPRESSED BY THIS ACTIVITY AND MRS. G TURNED TO MR.G AND IN A TENDER VOICE SAID "I THINK THAT WE`VE FOUND THE RIGHT PERSON TO PUT OUR LITTLE BOY STRAIGHT", SCROOGE QUICKLY SAID "DON`T WORRY MRS G, WE`LL LOOK AFTER HIM, MAKE HIM RIGHT AGAIN, GIVE HIM A NEW SUIT, CURE HIS INCONTINENCE, TEACH HIM GOOD ROAD MANNERS AND GIVE HIS EXHAUST A PUBLIC SCHOOL BURBLE".
MRS. G STILL LOOKING AT MR. G WITH THAT SPECIAL LOOK CLOSED HER EYES AND SAID HUSKILY "I FEEL SO EXCITED, I HAVEN`T FELT LIKE THIS FOR SUCH A LONG TIME, LET`S GO HOME QUICKLY". MR. G HARDLY BELIEVING HIS LUCK, HASTILY TORE OUT A CHEQUE FROM THE BOOK, SIGNED IT, GAVE IT TO SCROOGE AND RUSHED OUT OF THE OFFICE WITH MRS. G AT HIS HEELS NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO CLOSE THE DOOR, LEAVING THE LITTLE BENTLEY STANDING ALL FORLORN ON SCROOGE`S DESK.
NOW ALONE, SCROOGE SUDDENLY SEEMED TO DEFLATE AND RESUME HIS NORMAL DOWN AT HEEL APPEARANCE. PICKING UP THE PHONE, HE DIALED THE NUMBER OF THE LOCAL CHINESE RESTAURANT. AN ORIENTAL VOICE SPOKE THE IMMORTAL WORDS "HURRO YOO WAN TEAKAWAY", "IT`S ME SCROOGE YOU FOOL", SCROOGE SNARLED INTO THE MOUTHPIECE, THE PLUMMY VOICE REPLACED BY A KRAY BROTHERS COCKNIFIED ACCENT, "THERE`S ANOTHER BENTLEY FOR SHIPMENT TO CHINA, SO YOU`D BETTER CONTACT THE FACTORY AND LET THEM KNOW"!
SEVERAL YEARS BEFORE, SCROOGE HAD HAD A BRAINWAVE IN WHICH HE PLANNED TO REPLACE THOSE LAZY TEA SWILLING BENTLEY MECHANICS BY DIRT CHEAP CHINESE LABOUR. THIS WAS ONLY PARTLY SUCCESSFUL AS THE FINISHED RESULT OF THE FIRST RESTORATION WHEN IT ARRIVED FROM FROM CHINA RESEMBLED A CROSS BETWEEN A RICKSHAW AND A JUNK ON WHEELS. LUCKILY THE OWNER WAS SHORT SIGHTED AND DID`NT NOTICE THAT ANYTHING WAS AMISS. NOW THE CARS WERE SHIPPED OUT TO SHANGHAI, WHERE THE CARS WERE STRIPPED DOWN AND THE GENUINE PARTS SOLD TO BITSA BUILDERS THROUGHOUT THE WORLD, TO BE REPLACED BY PARTS BEATEN OUT OF OLD TIN CANS BY THE FIENDISHLY CLEVER WORKERS. SCROOGE KNEW FULL WELL THAT THE OWNERS OF THESE CARS WERE JUST POSERS AND AS LONG AS THE CARS LOOKED FLASHY AND WERE CAPABLE OF BEING DRIVEN DOWN TO THE PUB OCCASIONALLY, THEY WOULD NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
UPON REPLACING THE RECEIVER, SCROOGE TURNED TO LOOK AT THE TERRIFIED LITTLE BENTLEY ON THE DESK, HIS LITTLE WHEELS TREMBLING. WITH A FLICK OF THE WRIST, SCROOGE PUSHED A LEVER AND A HATCH IN THE FLOOR OPENED, REVEALING A RAMP DESCENDING INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE CELLAR. SCROOGE PICKED UP THE BENTLEY AND FLUNG HIM ONTO THE RAMP, AND WITH A KICK, SENT HIM HURTLING DOWN, THE FLATS ON THE TYRES GOING BUMP, BUMP, BUMP UNTIL HE CAME TO A STOP ON THE CELLAR FLOOR. THE BENTLEY, AFTER HIS HEADLAMP HAD BECOME ADJUSTED TO THE DARK, SAW THAT HE WAS NOT ALONE AND WAS SURROUNDED BY OTHER LITTLE BENTLEYS SOBBING IN THE DARKNESS.
ABOVE, SCROOGE HAVING MANAGED TO FIND A NEARLY FULL BOTTLE OF SCOTCH, SANK BACK INTO THE ARMCHAIR, PUT HIS FEET UP ON THE DESK AND REACHED INTO THE DRAWER FOR ONE OF THOSE FILTHY MUGS, WHICH HE FILLED TO THE BRIM AND QUAFFED IN ONE GULP. HIS THOUGHTS BRIEFLY DWELT ON THE BLANK CHEQUE LYING ON THE DESK AND HOW MANY NOUGHTS THAT HE WAS GOING TO WRITE ON IT. SUDDENLY, ARCHING BACK HIS HEAD, HE BROKE INTO PAROXYSMS OF HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER, IT WAS GOING TO BE A LONG, LONG, LONG NIGHT.
THIS ARTICLE WAS RECENTLY SUBMITTED TO THE BDC REVIEW, IT REMAINS TO BE SEEN WHETHER IT WILL BE PUBLISHED
THIS ARTICLE WAS PUBLISHED IN REVIEW 191 FEBRUARY 2014 BUT WITH SOME MISSING TEXT AND A PARAGRAPH DUPLICATED AND OUT OF CONTEXT!
I HAVE SUBMITTED THE FOLLOWING LETTER TO THE BDC REVIEW EDITOR
THINGS WEREN`T GOING VERY WELL SCROOGE MUSED, AS HE OPENED THE FILING CABINET AND TRIED TO FIND A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH AMONGST THE EMPTIES, THIS TIME IT WAS GOING TO BE THE END, HE SNUFFLED, LOOKING AROUND THE OFFICE AT THE OAK FRAMED BENTLEY LITHOGRAPHS AND THE COMPUTER ALTERED SIGNED PHOTOGRAPHS DEPICTING SCROOGE IN COMPANY WITH A VARIETY OF CELEBRITIES. HOWEVER THE PHOTO WITH HIM AND THE POPE TOGETHER IN A SPEED SIX WAS PROBABLY JUST A BIT OVER THE TOP.
JUST AT THAT MOMENT, THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND IT SWUNG OPEN REVEALING MR.& MRS. GORRAFEWBOB SILHOUETTED BY THE RAYS OF THE SETTING SUN. IN A TWINKLING SCROOGE SLIPPED IN HIS SHINY FALSE TEETH, SWEPT THE BILLS AND THE CUPS THAT SHOULD CARRY A PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING INTO THE TOP DRAWER OF THE DESK, AND WITH A MIRACULOUS CHAMELION LIKE METAMORPHOSIS THAT WOULD SHAME SIR LAURENCE OLIVIER, SCROOGE CHANGED FROM A PATHETIC LOSER INTO A WONDERFUL FATHER FIGURE RADIATING WELL BEING AND HONESTY THAT WOULD MAKE SANTA CLAUS LOOK LIKE A PETTY CRIMINAL.
"WHAT CAN i DO FOR YOU" SCROOGE ASKED IN A PLUMMY VOICE REMINISCENT OF SIR JOHN GEILGOOD, AS THE GORRAFEWBOBS SANK INTO THE PLUSH LEATHER CLUB ARMCHAIRS. Mrs. G SAID IN A TEARFUL VOICE "WE MANAGED TO GET CUSTODY OF THIS POOR LITTLE ORPHAN AT THE SOTHEBY`S AUCTION, I CAN`T BELIEVE HOW BADLY HE`S BEEN TREATED, PUT IN A COLD BARN FOR OVER FORTY YEARS WITHOUT AS MUCH AS A POLISH OR A DROP OF OIL". SCROOGE GAZED AT THE LITTLE BENTLEY NESTLING IN MRS. G`S ARMS, HE CERTAINLY LOOKED A MESS WITH HIS LEATHERCLOTH SUIT TORN AND BEDRAGLED, HIS TYRES FLAT AND CRACKED, HIS WINDSCREEN GLASS DISCOLOURED AND CRAZED AND A LITTLE TEAR OOZING FROM THE CRACK IN THE ONLY REMAINING ZEISS HEADLAMP GLASS.
SCROOGE REACHED OVER AND GAVE THE BENTLEY A TICKLE UNDER THE RADIATOR, UPON WHICH, THE POOR LITTLE ORPHAN GAVE A SQUEAK AND BURROWED DEEPER INTO MRS. G`S AMPLE BOSOM. MR. G THEN EXPLAINED "WE HAD A BIG FIGHT TO GET CUSTODY OF THIS LITTLE CHAP, A LOT OF PEOPLE WANTED TO GET HOLD OF HIM AND CHANGE HIM INTO A GENUINE TEAM CAR OR BLOWER, EVEN TO SELL HIS ORGANS ABROAD. WE ONLY WANT THE BEST FOR HIM, TO RESTORE HIM BACK TO HIS FORMER SELF AND TO PUT HIM BACK ON THE RIGHT ROAD. WE WERE TOLD THAT YOU WERE THE RIGHT PERSON TO GET HIM BACK INTO SHAPE". SCROOGE SEIZING ON THIS BUYING SIGNAL SAID, "WE CAN OFFER A VERY EFFICIENT AND COST EFFECTIVE IN HOUSE SERVICE TO THE DISCERNING CUSTOMER, IF YOU COME OVER TO THIS WINDOW YOU WILL SEE OUR DEDICATED TEAM OF MECHANICS AT WORK ON ONE OF OUR CUSTOMER`S CARS".
THE WINDOW LOOKED OUT INTO THE MURKY INTERIOR OF THE WORKSHOP WHERE ABOUT A DOZEN LIFE SIZE INFLATABLE BENTLEYS WERE COVERED WITH DUST SHEETS. IN THE FOREGROUND THREE FIGURES WERE GROUPED AROUND A FIBREGLASS VINTAGE BENTLEY. SCROOGE HAD BOUGHT THESE FROM A WAX MUSEUM BANKRUPT SALE. THE FIRST FIGURE WAS MARGARET THATCHER NOW DRESSED IN BLUE OVERALLS, WITH HER HAIR TIED BACK IN A TYPICAL BENTLEY MECHANIC`S PONY TAIL AND A LARGE ,SOMEWHAT ASKEW, HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE GLUED TO HER UPPER LIP, HER ARM OUTSTRETCHED WITH THE INDEX FINGER POINTING AT THE PAPIER MACHE SLOPERS.
THE SECOND MECHANIC WAS THE SHAH OF PERSIA, AGAIN IN A BLUE BOILER SUIT, (SCROOGE SOMETIMES WENT DOWN TO THE PUB WEARING THE SHAH`S GRAND UNIFORM WITH ALL THOSE MEDALS AND DECORATIONS HANGING FROM THE TUNIC). THE WAX SHAH HAD BEEN HACKED ABOUT BY SOMEONE WITH A POOR KNOWLEDGE OF ANATOMY TO ENABLE HIM TO BEND OVER THE ENGINE. THE THIRD FIGURE WAS MORE SINISTER, THE EXECUTIONER FROM THE ANNE BOLYN EXECUTION TABLEAU. (WELL HE WAS CHEAP). SCROOGE HAD REPLACED THE BEHEADING SWORD WITH A LARGE HAMMER AND THE EXECUTIONER NOW STOOD WITH THE HAMMER POISED OVER THE RADIATOR. WHY GO TO TOO MUCH TROUBLE? SCROOGE HAD ARGUED, THOSE POSH PUNTERS WOULD NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE ANYWAY.
SCROOGE DIDN`T LIKE TO GO INTO THE WORKSHOP BY HIMSELF, HE COULD HAVE SWORN THAT THE EXECUTIONER WINKED AT HIM ONCE. NOW THE GORRAFEWBOBS WERE AT THE WINDOW, SCROOGE PRESSED A SECRET BUTTON AND WORKSHOP NOISES RANG OUT, ELECTRIC MOTORS HUMMED AND THE FIGURES MOVED JERKILY OVER THE BENTLEY, JUST LIKE SELFRIDGES CHRISTMAS GNOMES. THE GORRAFEWBOBS LOOKED IMPRESSED BY THIS ACTIVITY AND MRS. G TURNED TO MR.G AND IN A TENDER VOICE SAID "I THINK THAT WE`VE FOUND THE RIGHT PERSON TO PUT OUR LITTLE BOY STRAIGHT", SCROOGE QUICKLY SAID "DON`T WORRY MRS G, WE`LL LOOK AFTER HIM, MAKE HIM RIGHT AGAIN, GIVE HIM A NEW SUIT, CURE HIS INCONTINENCE, TEACH HIM GOOD ROAD MANNERS AND GIVE HIS EXHAUST A PUBLIC SCHOOL BURBLE".
MRS. G STILL LOOKING AT MR. G WITH THAT SPECIAL LOOK CLOSED HER EYES AND SAID HUSKILY "I FEEL SO EXCITED, I HAVEN`T FELT LIKE THIS FOR SUCH A LONG TIME, LET`S GO HOME QUICKLY". MR. G HARDLY BELIEVING HIS LUCK, HASTILY TORE OUT A CHEQUE FROM THE BOOK, SIGNED IT, GAVE IT TO SCROOGE AND RUSHED OUT OF THE OFFICE WITH MRS. G AT HIS HEELS NOT EVEN BOTHERING TO CLOSE THE DOOR, LEAVING THE LITTLE BENTLEY STANDING ALL FORLORN ON SCROOGE`S DESK.
NOW ALONE, SCROOGE SUDDENLY SEEMED TO DEFLATE AND RESUME HIS NORMAL DOWN AT HEEL APPEARANCE. PICKING UP THE PHONE, HE DIALED THE NUMBER OF THE LOCAL CHINESE RESTAURANT. AN ORIENTAL VOICE SPOKE THE IMMORTAL WORDS "HURRO YOO WAN TEAKAWAY", "IT`S ME SCROOGE YOU FOOL", SCROOGE SNARLED INTO THE MOUTHPIECE, THE PLUMMY VOICE REPLACED BY A KRAY BROTHERS COCKNIFIED ACCENT, "THERE`S ANOTHER BENTLEY FOR SHIPMENT TO CHINA, SO YOU`D BETTER CONTACT THE FACTORY AND LET THEM KNOW"!
SEVERAL YEARS BEFORE, SCROOGE HAD HAD A BRAINWAVE IN WHICH HE PLANNED TO REPLACE THOSE LAZY TEA SWILLING BENTLEY MECHANICS BY DIRT CHEAP CHINESE LABOUR. THIS WAS ONLY PARTLY SUCCESSFUL AS THE FINISHED RESULT OF THE FIRST RESTORATION WHEN IT ARRIVED FROM FROM CHINA RESEMBLED A CROSS BETWEEN A RICKSHAW AND A JUNK ON WHEELS. LUCKILY THE OWNER WAS SHORT SIGHTED AND DID`NT NOTICE THAT ANYTHING WAS AMISS. NOW THE CARS WERE SHIPPED OUT TO SHANGHAI, WHERE THE CARS WERE STRIPPED DOWN AND THE GENUINE PARTS SOLD TO BITSA BUILDERS THROUGHOUT THE WORLD, TO BE REPLACED BY PARTS BEATEN OUT OF OLD TIN CANS BY THE FIENDISHLY CLEVER WORKERS. SCROOGE KNEW FULL WELL THAT THE OWNERS OF THESE CARS WERE JUST POSERS AND AS LONG AS THE CARS LOOKED FLASHY AND WERE CAPABLE OF BEING DRIVEN DOWN TO THE PUB OCCASIONALLY, THEY WOULD NEVER KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.
UPON REPLACING THE RECEIVER, SCROOGE TURNED TO LOOK AT THE TERRIFIED LITTLE BENTLEY ON THE DESK, HIS LITTLE WHEELS TREMBLING. WITH A FLICK OF THE WRIST, SCROOGE PUSHED A LEVER AND A HATCH IN THE FLOOR OPENED, REVEALING A RAMP DESCENDING INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE CELLAR. SCROOGE PICKED UP THE BENTLEY AND FLUNG HIM ONTO THE RAMP, AND WITH A KICK, SENT HIM HURTLING DOWN, THE FLATS ON THE TYRES GOING BUMP, BUMP, BUMP UNTIL HE CAME TO A STOP ON THE CELLAR FLOOR. THE BENTLEY, AFTER HIS HEADLAMP HAD BECOME ADJUSTED TO THE DARK, SAW THAT HE WAS NOT ALONE AND WAS SURROUNDED BY OTHER LITTLE BENTLEYS SOBBING IN THE DARKNESS.
ABOVE, SCROOGE HAVING MANAGED TO FIND A NEARLY FULL BOTTLE OF SCOTCH, SANK BACK INTO THE ARMCHAIR, PUT HIS FEET UP ON THE DESK AND REACHED INTO THE DRAWER FOR ONE OF THOSE FILTHY MUGS, WHICH HE FILLED TO THE BRIM AND QUAFFED IN ONE GULP. HIS THOUGHTS BRIEFLY DWELT ON THE BLANK CHEQUE LYING ON THE DESK AND HOW MANY NOUGHTS THAT HE WAS GOING TO WRITE ON IT. SUDDENLY, ARCHING BACK HIS HEAD, HE BROKE INTO PAROXYSMS OF HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER, IT WAS GOING TO BE A LONG, LONG, LONG NIGHT.
THIS ARTICLE WAS RECENTLY SUBMITTED TO THE BDC REVIEW, IT REMAINS TO BE SEEN WHETHER IT WILL BE PUBLISHED
THIS ARTICLE WAS PUBLISHED IN REVIEW 191 FEBRUARY 2014 BUT WITH SOME MISSING TEXT AND A PARAGRAPH DUPLICATED AND OUT OF CONTEXT!
I HAVE SUBMITTED THE FOLLOWING LETTER TO THE BDC REVIEW EDITOR
Dear Richard,
The other day I received a rather unwelcome telephone call! The caller launched into a tirade of expletives with intermittent cockney rhyming slang and after this outburst had subsided the caller identified himself as Ebenezer Scrooge calling long distance from Bentleyland. I can`t possibly repeat his message verbatim but will just write down the nub of what he was trying to say.
Apparently he`s sending the boys round to sort me out for writing that scandalous article that was published in the February review, he said that the events that I had described were written for cheap laughs also the article did not contain the whole truth and was badly written inasmuch that I had omitted some events and that I had duplicated a paragraph. I managed to pacify him a little, saying that the article was written for genteel folk and not the riff raff that he was used to dealing with. I tried to end the conversation by promising him a case of scotch but he still went on ranting and raving a bit like the distaff side and then slammed his phone down.
I was a bit shaken by this call and had to have a couple of double scotches to steady my nerves, then locating the review I read through the article and sure enough there are omissions and a duplicate paragraph and some of the article was printed out of context with the original manuscript.
Another of Ebeneezer`s gripes was that his image was not very flattering also that the Bentley image was of a later model of Bentley!
The result of these mistakes by your overworked staff is to make the article look worse than it really is.
If anybody would like to read the article as it was written and to read others you can visit my website:
www.vintagebentleyblog.weebly.com
Alan C Smith
IT REMAINS TO BE SEEN WHETHER THIS LETTER WILL BE PUBLISHED IN THE NEXT BDC REVIEW.
YES, IT WAS PUBLISHED IN REVIEW 293 JUNE 2014 BUT THIS DOESN`T MAKE THINGS RIGHT.
The other day I received a rather unwelcome telephone call! The caller launched into a tirade of expletives with intermittent cockney rhyming slang and after this outburst had subsided the caller identified himself as Ebenezer Scrooge calling long distance from Bentleyland. I can`t possibly repeat his message verbatim but will just write down the nub of what he was trying to say.
Apparently he`s sending the boys round to sort me out for writing that scandalous article that was published in the February review, he said that the events that I had described were written for cheap laughs also the article did not contain the whole truth and was badly written inasmuch that I had omitted some events and that I had duplicated a paragraph. I managed to pacify him a little, saying that the article was written for genteel folk and not the riff raff that he was used to dealing with. I tried to end the conversation by promising him a case of scotch but he still went on ranting and raving a bit like the distaff side and then slammed his phone down.
I was a bit shaken by this call and had to have a couple of double scotches to steady my nerves, then locating the review I read through the article and sure enough there are omissions and a duplicate paragraph and some of the article was printed out of context with the original manuscript.
Another of Ebeneezer`s gripes was that his image was not very flattering also that the Bentley image was of a later model of Bentley!
The result of these mistakes by your overworked staff is to make the article look worse than it really is.
If anybody would like to read the article as it was written and to read others you can visit my website:
www.vintagebentleyblog.weebly.com
Alan C Smith
IT REMAINS TO BE SEEN WHETHER THIS LETTER WILL BE PUBLISHED IN THE NEXT BDC REVIEW.
YES, IT WAS PUBLISHED IN REVIEW 293 JUNE 2014 BUT THIS DOESN`T MAKE THINGS RIGHT.